16-year-old daughter wonders why she's not "celebrated" Mother tells her it's because she doesn't do anything: '[She] did not take it well'

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Brad Dickson • Managing Editor
Oct 9, 2024 12:00 PM EDT

This sounds harsh, but it's one of those lessons where the sooner you learn it in life, the better off you'll be. Success takes effort—and sustained effort at that. At a certain point, a certain amount of sustained effort is going to be an essential factor and determinant of whether you have an income that can support your continued existence and survival. That's not to say that it's the only thing that matters, but for most of us, it's an important starting point. Thus, this lesson holds value.

Still, as a parent, especially of a teenager, it's your responsibility to make sure that this lesson is being learned in a constructive way and that you're not allowing them to "not do anything," admonishing them for that fact. At that age, sign them up for something and make them seek out things that they enjoy or otherwise address the mental issues that might be at play.

Those are the important things in play in the post that this mother shared online, wondering whether or not she was in the wrong for telling her child "she needs to put some effort into something" when her 16-year-old daughter came to her saying that she felt it was unfair that she was never celebrated. Reactions were mixed, with many stating that she needed to step up and parent her child, while others said that while tough, her message was fair.

Have a read for yourself and see the original thread below, followed by selected responses from that same thread.

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    AITA for telling my daughter she actually has to do things to get celebrated I have a 16-year-old daughter, Katty, and a 14-year-old Jake. Jake is more of an achiever-he's involved in sports, does great in school, and recently won an award for community volunteering. We have been celebrating his achievements, usually with a dinner out
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    Katty, on the other hand, doesn't do much. She hasn't been putting effort into anything lately. She basically just goes to school and then exists in the house-she spends her free time on her phone or watching TV, doesn't have any hobbies or interests outside of her friend group, and doesn't put much effort into schoolwork. This results in her not getting many celebration outside of her birthday. We stopped forcing her to do sport or other clubs when she hit highschool
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    Katty came to me and said she feels like it's unfair we celebrate Jake, and I decided to have a conversation with her. I sat her down and explained that we love her just as much, but if she wants to be celebrated like Jake, she needs to put effort into something. I suggested she try finding something she's passionate about or work harder in school. That she should make her own goals to work towards. I thought I was being honest but gentle.
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    Katty did not take it well. She exploded, accusing me of playing favorites and said it was unfair that Jake gets all the attention just because he's always doing things. She even lashed out at Jake, telling him that he was "the golden child" and she was tired of hearing about how great he was.
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    Jake was hurt by her outburst, and now things are awkward between them. Katty has been avoiding both me and her brother since then, staying in her room or giving us the silent treatment. My husband thinks I could have phrased it better, but I believe this was an important reality check for her. If she isn't doing anything then their isnt anything to celebrate Edit: for everyone claiming I never talk or am around my daughter.
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    She literally just went Apple picking with her father this weekend. I am spending almost everyday teacher her how to drive, we went shopping and a spa day earlier this month, her father is teacher how to change tires and how to work basics of the car. That's been happening every weekend for months. Me and her have been watching a show every thrusday with her for months. That's just this month,
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    OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the a①hole: AITA for telling my daughter she actually has to do things to get celebrated. I could be a since it hurt her feelings even if I do think it is true, I also am not going to do a celebration for nothing, that's what birthdays are for
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    Important-Nose3... . • 10h ago • NTA. Makes perfect sense to me. Im assuming yall would celebrate her bday, graduation, etc... does she think people are just going to throw parties for her for no reason? She's old enough to learn that's not how to world works.
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    Maybe get her into therapy. Sounds like she's in some sort of woe is me spiral, maybe some outside perspective would help her get on track or at least understand why people who work hard and achieve things get celebrated for them, while people who do not, do not.
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    tin... . 9h ago Edited 7h ago so NAH bc this feels like a mismatch of expectations, but it's really worth reframing your perspective. achievements are so subjective. like sure, getting A's and awards are a standard concept of achievement - but so is getting B's, or saving $100, or redecorating your room, making friends or even just
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    being a good friend, putting together an awesome outfit, getting somewhere on time. Everyone is on a different level but it feels like your benchmark of "success" or even effort is the same for everyone regardless of skills or interests. Instead of pushing her to "achieve" something based on someone else's (her brother's or your) barometer and definition of a goal, you
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    should talk to her about what SHE feels like she's achieved or put effort into recently. Not only would that bring you closer into her world and psyche and help you both realize what she's capable of (or what she wants from her life), but it would develop trust and make her feel valued for who she is not who you wish - she would be or think she should be. It's not just about celebration, it's about
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    appreciation and feeling that YOU are putting effort into recognizing and loving her. EDIT: some of y'all are missing the point. helping your kid develop their own. sense of achievement is so wildly valuable for their mental health and enjoyment of life. feeling obligated or bending backwards to chase other
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    people's ideas of success or measure your worth by someone else's yardstick is a waste of life. This is applicable to anyone, not to mention the immeasurable value of this for neurodivergent folks.
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    perfidious_snatch . 10h ago. This is why it's better to celebrate effort rather than achievements - some kids have an easier time achieving than others, and constantly celebrating other kids achievements is hugely demotivating for a kid who's trying their heart out but not getting the same results.
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    It can also lead to the more "gifted" kids not learning to really work for things that don't come easily to them, and when they start to face challenges as adults, can tend to burn out or crash and burn. It's little wonder that your daughter is feeling the way she is. You say she just needs to 'put effort in', but you still only plan to celebrate achievements.
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    . Otherwise_Trash_ · 10h ago. How about you take your daughter out and spend time with her... like a girls day every once in a while... for simply being your daughter......
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    Gertrude D · 9h ago. . NTA but... oof. Not all kids are the same. You're essentially telling her that you are measuring her against Jake's yardstick. Each person is different in how they are motivated, their interests and abilities, etc, etc. I get your intention and don't fault it, but perhaps you shouldn't have made a direct comparison ( ... if you want to be celebrated like Jake ...)
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    catsndogspls • 9h ago. Info: are you not at all concerned that at 14 your daughter seems to have no motivation, no hobbies you can speak of, who you describe as "existing"? Like I'm not saying you were wrong to broach the subject of her setting goals, but it seems like maybe there is a lot more going on here than that one suggestion.
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    Ohmaggies 9h ago • She's not wrong. Just because she's not in sports or whatever doesn't mean she's not a person worth the attention. Focus on her interests instead of claiming she needs to be more like him to be worth your attention.
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    Retro-Asexual • 8h ago This is why I just stop trying when I was younger. Five older siblings, successful, multiple achievements, degrees, trophies, that I felt nothing I would do would ever gain praise since I just "did art"
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    Raccoon Designer... 9h ago. Good luck OP. I know parenthood isn't easy, but you are playing favorites. I know someone who did this and their "overachiever" is now a coddled adult with no ambitions and the less favored child is the money maker. Both wonderful kind adults, but the difference is incredible. Reevaluate the situation, a birthday should be a given if its being given to one of the kids.
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    Desperate_Green... • 8h ago • YTA I'm a parent of teenagers. and the way you talked about your daughter in this post absolutely disgusts me. Your daughter shared her feelings with you and you told her she was wrong. You don't seem to understand how daunting it can be to have those kinds of
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    conversations with your parents and the kind of courage it took for her to tell you. Good luck ever getting that kind of vulnerability and openness from her again. The way your post is worded, it sounds like you as parents have pretty clear ideas about what kinds of things count as "achievements," and those ideas don't include the things she's interested in or doing.
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    Are you very old parents? Because it seems like it's been too long since you were teens and have forgotten how emotionally difficult it can be. I had to go pretty far into the comments to see you explain that you (apparently) do things with her like picking apples or teaching her car maintenance.
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    Did you make apple pies with her to celebrate the hard work she did or did you get home from the orchard and not interact with her for the rest of the day? Do you cheer for her when she successfully changes brake pads for the first time or do you just consider the lesson ended and go about your business?
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    When you're having a spa day, do you just listen to what she has going on in her life, even the "silly" things. like drama between friend groups, or do you talk about your own life or act bored when she tries to open up? Do you actually thank her for doing tasks you've asked of her-even if they are her designated chores—or do you treat her like a robot who followed its programming?
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    Do help her study for the classes she's struggling in or do you let her figure it out herself? Do you take her to dinner to celebrate her doing well on a test she was worried about or do you consider her passing grade the condition of your approval? You need to learn how to understand, appreciate, and celebrate who she actually is, or you will lose that relationship forever.
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    7yax . 13h ago I highly suspect YTA and plays favorite. Parents never say literally "I play favorite", but they'll say it more. subtily, like in saying "my daugther does nothing all day and expect to be treated like a princess, while my son. achieve so much, he is so worthy". That is basically what you are saying here. Maybe you just look at your son through a pink lens and at your daugther through a black lens. Please think about it.
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    Missytb40 • 14h ago Maybe if you celebrated her more she'd be motivated to do more. YTA
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    AgnarCrackenha... 15h ago. NTA Katty is old enough to learn that the world isn't going to pat her on the back for sitting around and existing
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    yrubsunny 15h ago look i get it being fair is important but maybe try suggesting some activities. she's into instead of just saying do stuff or else. it's a tough age and she might feel kinda lost. a little encouragement could go a long way.
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    Lame_Millennial . 15h ago. You are the parent, why does she spend all her free time on her phone or watching tv? Why isn't she involved in any extracurricular activities? Do you realize how terrible that is for not only brain development but also mental health?
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